The only “power” I believe I’ve felt in relation to another would be related to my academic achievement and capability. Specifically, with my brother. This is tied to our respective disabilities and the competitiveness hammered into Americans. I am a white, cis gendered woman, of middle class (currently unemployed but in college), LGBTQ+ and American. I have ADHD and Cerebral Palsy (Hemiplegia). My twin brother, (2 minutes younger than me), is all the same in class, race, sexual orientation, and ethnicity, however, he has Autism and ADHD; he is considered (by the state) cognitively impaired and classified as “legally blind.”
In school, my brother was held back a year and even was pressured to take classes in a separate school, in a classroom all alone for “optimal teaching;” my mom heavily resented this. I, though, was what people today would call a “gifted” kid. Always did well in school, had a “bright” future, was sociable and outgoing in elementary school. As we both got older our limits became more apparent and in high school and now especially, our differences are glaring. I often helped him in school when I could, sometimes doing assignments for him because I knew I could do them better. I knew I would be able to complete a task as fulfilled and he wouldn’t.
Even just yesterday, I was looking through GED practice tests for him, and quickly decided that he wouldn’t be able to do them without significant help. (The fact he must get a GED is a discrimination story on its own). I hate this feeling though; I feel guilty. I know he can do things; I’d never stop him; I will always support him. I know he can accomplish many things just as well as I. But that doesn’t change how people limit his access to certain classes (he wasn’t allowed to take computer classes like he wanted even though we stressed he could, it was only until I was made his “link” that they did), talk down at him, or infantilize him.
I am an honors student, I always got good grades in school, I always pressured myself to, and soon, it seemed like my “bare-minimum effort” was A quality every time. It was built up in me to think that something one of my friends could do, I could do better: a project, presentation, an essay. This isn’t to say I think I’m better, or that I have a huge ego and am eccentric (not that that is necessarily a bad thing) but I just “acknowledge skill levels.” I feel so bad typing that out. In the case of my brother and I, our test taking ability differs and, in that way, although we both would do equally well if given enough time and support in our own ways, I feel more power over him. I have more privilege, more ability, more skill. I want to stress, although I don’t have to, that I don’t practice ableism.
These conditions are ones we can’t control. To balance it out, my brother is more athletic than me, in part due to my physical disability. Is he aware of this imbalance between us and how others view him? Painfully. This has been happening since 1st grade. We were always in the same classes until then. Since, it has been shown that I have been doing better than him (not that I am, but in test scores, project quality, opportunity, though these things are subjective to worth). In return, I help him anywhere I can, and he is more than willing to support me when I need it.
