My whole life my parents have emphasized the importance of education. They told me that if I didn’t want to live in a broken down trailer with cheap things my whole life, that I need to go to college and get a degree. Even before college my parents, especially my father, were very adamite about the importance of my grades to the point where I had intense anxiety around school. I was always in honors and AP courses. Although I am proud of my achievements before college, I wish I had taken some time to relax and be a kid before it was too late.
I still feel anxiety surrounding school, just in a different way. I no longer have panic attacks about getting a C on a homework assignment. However, I constantly convince myself that my grades are not good enough and that I will never make it to grad school. I will always be the poor girl from the trailer park. Failing one class could mess with my scholarships and I would watch everything I had worked so hard for crumble in front of me. There is a lot riding on this, and I only have one shot. If I lose my scholarships, which are currently covering 100% of my tuition, I will no longer be able to afford to go to school.
I work 4 days a week while being a full time student. It feels impossible to balance school and work. I go to campus 2 days a week, so there is really only one day a week I have to just sit at home. When I do have free time to myself, I try to do homework, but often cannot find the motivation. Since I have little free time, I find myself wanting to use that time for me, not for school. Not working is simply not an option. It’s a luxury that some students have and may not even realize how much of a luxury it is. I don’t even have time to explore the resources that my campus provides for me.
I don’t want to take the 30 minute drive to campus on my off days for events. I also feel like because I live off campus (since I can’t afford campus housing) there is a stark separation between myself and those that do live on campus. It’s like we live completely different lives. I don’t feel a sense of community through college. I may make some friends in my classes, but once that class is over I never speak to them again. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunities that have been handed to me and that I have access to higher education, which will hopefully help my social mobility. But even with not paying for tuition, there are so many financial barriers along with social barriers (caused by the financial barriers) that come with going to college. Sometimes I find myself questioning if it is all even worth it.
