Definitely “Accomplishment of natural growth.” My family has stayed within the middle-class (at least in recent years, maybe we teetered in the working-class). My brother and I were allowed to do kind of whatever, as long as we went outside (whenever they were home, even at my grandparents’ house, we were made to stay outside). But within the house, we were explicitly given chores; I washed dishes (sometimes cooked), my brother did laundry. We weren’t forced to take extracurriculars in school, nor participate in clubs. We would have difficultly focusing during school, often getting overstimulated, so we stayed out until middle school where I joined choir and later in high school my brother tried basketball.
Our parents tried to do whatever they could to make us comfortable. I just did what I was told (anything that happened outside, stayed outside), and I would get my pick of Christmas presents. When we were punished, however, it was usually physical on my dad’s side (spanking), that’s how he was raised, and time-outs, things taken away by mom. I mainly hated getting yelled at, verbal warnings were taken very seriously by me at least. I wouldn’t say the parenting style was authoritarian, we would rarely get punished, my parents say we were really well behaved anyway.
But they had this rule: “if one of you gets in trouble, both of you do” (because we’re twins, as if that checks out). When we were younger, I often employed my brother as my accomplice, making him pull out chairs and drawers so I could climb to the top shelf and reach the snacks. When we got caught, we’d both get time outs; sitting on the couch, no TV, no games.
Our days weren’t really scheduled, but chores needed done by the time my parents got home. My parents weren’t very “I told you so” but when they said we needed to do something, or not do something, we listened. We didn’t want to find out what would happen if we didn’t. The idea of consequences was enough. My mom was more lenient, my dad upheld stricter rules and gender norms (according to his family upbringing). My brother was never encouraged to do cooking or cleaning; I, on the other hand, was.
They never talked down to us either, just reminded us about what was expected, sometimes sharing memories from their youth to encourage us. They did their best to provide what we needed and we did what we were told. Not as if we never had a say, but it seems we didn’t have many options or room to argue.
I think I was always shy, nervous to talk to new people, hiding behind someone. I never liked confrontation and I suppose as a result of always doing as I’m told I also don’t stick up for myself often (don’t share much about myself anyway). What little I can do, will be done quickly to appeal to any expectations. I don’t question authorities often, I do talk about them though, just nothing comes of it. It used to be because I was near afraid, didn’t want to invite conflict. Now, I think it is more so because I respect their opinions (in college at least); I’ve met many profound professors and people I now look up to, so I don’t want to seem inferior or stupid by asking questions or telling them my opinions, immediately assuming I’m wrong or denying that it has importance.
I am trying to not tell everyone what I think they want to hear and being more forthcoming with my needs but sometimes I dismiss it due to it “not being worth it.” Perhaps because of how I was raised, I didn’t want to question my parents on what they had me do, so I don’t question others. My mom actually had to pressure me into emailing an honors professor my freshman year about my disability accommodations for the final essay (it was going to be handwritten in person but I asked to type it due to my Cerebral Palsy making it very difficult for me to write nonstop for an hour to the quality specified), it went over much better than I expected and I was very relieved at the professors thoughtfulness. In short, I’m insecure.
