In the United States, gender, sexual orientation, class and race or ethnicity (G,SO,C,R,E) are strong identity markers and are also axes of inequality. Which of these aspects of your identity is strongest? How would you describe it and why do you think it is “strongest” or most salient?
Reflecting on the aspects of my identity that are the strongest, I would say race and ethnicity have come up a lot lately as being most salient for me. I think this has been the case most of my life, or at least when I actually started to notice these things, but more so recently I’ve taken more notice to them. Growing up in a multicultural, bi-religious and tri-linguistic household, I had multiple identities as a Lebanese-Chaldean Iraqi American Woman. I also studied Catholicism more predominately until the age of 10, but after my parent’s divorce, I noticed that my values, prayers, and beliefs are more aligned with my mom’s religion, Islam. Additionally, my parents spoke originally spoke Arabic, Chaldean, and English to me; however, they decided this would be too confusing and switched only to English when I was very young. So, for the past 5 years I have spoken only English, practiced a little bit of Islam, and have only been around my Lebanese identity.
Attending many Arab-American events in the past few weeks, I have noticed these feelings of discomfort, unacceptance, and even awkwardness when I’m there. This is weird for me, because my Arab-American identity has been something I have proudly wore on my sleeve my whole life- but lately, I feel less Arab. I can’t explain where exactly this feeling comes from, but I sense that it arises intrinsically. For example, I don’t present many physical features that other Arabs, which I feel makes me less in some way. I have light brown slightly wavy hair, pale skin, thin eyebrows- and this has always been something that had others second guessing my origin. Even when I would tell people my nationality, I would still get backlash in the forms of “No you’re not,” “You look Italian,” and “You’re too white.”
Secondly, I never truly identified with a religion and part of me feels this makes me less Arab. I have never met another Arab who had both Catholic and Muslim parents, which feels normal to me, but foreign to others, and sometimes I even sense fear. I don’t think it’s fear of me or my identity, I think it’s fear that I don’t fit inside one box and most others do. And on the other hand, I don’t understand nor can I speak a lick of Arabic or Chaldean- which is shamed upon in the Arab community. If I didn’t continue to remind myself that my blood is, in fact, raging with Arab genes, I would feel so white all the time, everywhere I go. “White washed,” as others like to point out.
Maybe it’s because my presenting features and my American accent disguise me, hide me from the oppressions and prejudices my fellow Arabs have to endure, and in that way I feel less. Or maybe it’s because it scares me that I can’t fit myself into boxes that have been so carefully and unruly crafted by Americans in that way so there is no room for surprises, diversity, or creativity in this country. So, even though I’ve been feeling less, I still consider these pieces of my identity most salient. I hope to use my identities and privilege to express my identity to uplift others who are feeling this way. I hope to bring my identities into every workplace, school, and future institution I enter and create a safe gray space for those who do not have a defined identity or multi-identities.